I have been having a couple of issues swirling around in my head and I'm just not 100% sure of the right thing to do. The first issue is with the Easter celebration plans and the second is with my (half)sister. Ironically, I think both of these things can boil down to one big question: Is it ever okay for a Christian person to decide to not continue contact with family members? (What about selectively?)
With Easter (or any religious holiday, for that matter), it has been extremely dicey for my husband and me. It seems like each time one comes up, we have at least some (sometimes a big) conflict because the ideals that we have discussed regarding those holidays and how we are going to celebrate them with our children do not match up at all with the way that his non-church-going family celebrates them. (TV on, pottymouths/real swearing, disrespectfulness towards parents, bad behavior examples, santa clause, easter bunny, etc.) And in addition to this, since they do not attend any REAL Easter celebrations (at church), many times their events are held at the time of the Easter Vigil or Divine Mercy Sunday, you name it.
And now, increasingly, this applies to my family, too. (Which I've already expressed dissatisfaction about.) There is another complication here, though. Namely that, if there is to be a family gathering for those events, in very recent times, I've been the one to do it for my family (all younger siblings) because my mother isn't around to do it, my step-father doesn't have us over for things, and my grandparents are too aged and physically strained to host larger family events anymore.
So now, I'm just really not sure what to do. At this point, my husband has told his family that we won't be joining them on Easter Sunday afternoon for their shebang so that we can have our own family Easter dinner/party. I can definitely see this decision as being quite a relief because it will totally eliminate the majority of the problems, stress, arguments, etc., that we normally struggle with. BUT, a small part of me questions the wisdom/rightness of us (the only Christians in the bunch) just not going at all. Another part of me wishes that my husband would fully explain our rationale to his parents, but I'm not sure that would be helpful, either (example: "too-good church people").
[A little additional background: Besides being baptized as an infant, my husband was not raised with any faith/church life whatsoever. Gradually, after we met, he found his way into the church and joined through RCIA at the Easter Vigil before we were married. Since then his family has nicknamed him 'churchboy' and has all but targeted me as the person responsible for the changes in his behavior/character/and not fitting into his own family so well anymore. (Which, I see as a good thing, but I guess they don't.)] So I'm a little paranoid that our not going to their thing will also be blamed on me and just add a little extra animosity--but that's pretty minor.
On to the next example. To give you just a summary, my 17 year old (half--we had the same mom, her dad is my stepdad) sister is and has consistently been making all the wrong choices for herself. It's been a long trip down a bad road I'd say since about the time mom was first diagnosed. But just within the last couple of months she's been in and out of the house with her dad, living intermittently with (drug-doing) friends of hers in a really inadequate (not safe) apartment. Within the last two weeks she has gotten both an underage drinking ticket and a truancy ticket.
Because of the 12-year age difference between us, we have never been as close as sisters as I had always dreamed and longed for. In addition to the age difference, though, a lot of her life choices also get in the way of it, too, because she chooses to have little to no contact with me when she is doing things that she knows that I do not approve of (because I love her) and will challenge her about. This has been our pattern for the last several years, on-again-off-again based on if she's trying to dig herself out or if she's back in with the wrong crowd. And even in the on times, it tends to be relatively superficial. :(
I am, of course, upset and disappointed and angry and hurt about all of this for many many reasons. But, lately, I have been feeling very tired of all of it. I am constantly suspicious of all of her motives and actions, I've come to believe little to nothing that she says, and I really don't care to be around her so much anymore. I've come to feel like I've finally given up on her and just come to terms that she's going to have to find out where her bottom is before she's worth even attempting to help.
This is where my problem is here, because I'm worried that this is not the Christian attitude to take. But I'm tired of being used and treated poorly by her, I'm tired of watching her treat the people that I love in my family this way, and I've come to see that any attempts that I make to help her or tell her things just get blatantly ignored; because it certainly hasn't made any difference. Yeah, she sees me as unrelatable and calls me saint diane, just because I've never done the things she's done.
So what can I do? And am I supposed to feel obligated to invite her and my other two siblings (who may or may not bother to go to church for Easter) over to celebrate with our family? At this point, I would have to try getting my husband to go along with that idea, and, frankly, I'm really not sure that I even care to. Lord, help me.
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I won't pretend I know what you're going through, but I will say that, a couple of years ago, I made the very difficult decision to cut off contact with my father. It was a decision that took a lot of prayer and introspection, and I knew that, as a result, I would lose my father's family, as well.
ReplyDeleteI won't really go into my reasoning (feel free to email me and I'll give you more details), but I'll say that the decisions my father was making were making him a toxic person in my life. I didn't want to be around him.
This is something I really struggled with because of my faith. Was I dishonoring him? Was I being selfish and unforgiving?
However, since then, I haven't regretted my decision. Hearing my sister and my mother (who is divorced from my father) talk about him and the decisions he continues to make has reinforced that he's not the kind of person I want to surround myself with, regardless of who he is.
Here's what I think. Yes, it's important to forgive those who wrong us. And yes, it's important to keep a Christian attitude toward all people. However, we also need to do what's best for us, for our families, and for our faith. Sometimes people can be spiritually toxic. And whether we like to admit it or not, everything and everyone we expose ourselves to (and expose our children to) influences us, for good or bad.
The Lord will guide you in this. I'll be praying for you (and for your family). You and your husband have to decide, as the mom and dad, what's best for your children in this instance. It's between the two of you and God. No one else.
I hope you can find peace in this difficult situation so you and your family can enjoy the celebration of Easter!
P.S. Sorry my comment is so long!
ReplyDeleteThis is a good post; sounds like we have some things in common family wise. The kids are awake right now but I'll come back during nap time to make a better response! :)
ReplyDeleteOkay, so it's more like waaay past the kids' night time bedtime and a few hours at my sister's firepit, but I'm baaack! ;)
ReplyDeleteI too am exhausted with family drama. I never post this on my blog because my family reads my blog, so there's little outlet for it.
My parents divorced when I was 19. My Dad remarried outside of the church--something that he'd always preached against. His wife is desperate to have a child of her own and is very cold to me when I'm pregnant. She won't say the word pregnant, leaves the room after the announcement, avoids ultrasound pictures, and avoids me altogether during a pregnancy. But she wants the kids to call her Grandma (and she is a good Grandma, at that). So most of my family holiday dread stems from this discomfort and rejection. I'm not currently pregnant so it's not currently a problem. This same woman, though, is a little insecure, I think, and used to write guilt e-mails when we would opt out of a family holiday celebration. *sigh* She's gotten better but it's hard to forget the hard parts of the last several years.
I went to our Monsignor for advice about this situation. Do I break off contact? What do I do? He instructed me to be the bigger person, to set a good example, and when invited, to stay at their house long enough to keep them happy and to allow the kids time with their grandparents.
This woman also makes having a large family gathering at our house (i.e. a kid's b.day paty) very uncomfortable, as she resents my mother. I'm so tired of all the drama!
We are lucky that both sides of our family are Catholic and my husband's side of the family is nice and healthy and happy.
If I were in your shoes, I'd do just what you are doing. Avoid the drama, avoid exposing your kids to things that you don't want them hearing/seeing, and avoid the hurtful comments about your Faith. As for your sister, I would do like Saint Monica and pray, pray, pray. This is what I've been instructed (by a priest) to do for siblings of mine who have either left the church or are engaged in destructive behavior.
I tell you my family story not to demean my family but to let you know that you're not the only normal person with family drama hiding in the closet. ;)
I hope that things become easier as time passes and that your sister comes around.
God bless!
The best thing you can possibly do in both situations is to start praying about them, and keep praying every day about them. I can tell you that the prayers may not convert hearts immediately... but it will convert YOURS. I honestly tell you that I have been so injured, so wronged by certain people in my past that I thought I could never get over it. I couldn't even talk about it, because it set off crying spells and days of depression and bad feelings. But saying prayers for the people, sincere prayers that they would heal from their own hurts and be able to find God, made me feel a sense of absolute compassion that I can't explain. Prayer is healing.
ReplyDeleteThat being said, I don't think it is important or advisable to expose your children to certain behaviors. There is a delicate balance, where you don't WANT to cut off family members but you also have to protect your children. You are not obligated to attend every family function, especially on religious holidays where your own little family needs to spend the day with the real meaning in mind. It is hard, worrying about what so-and-so will think if you don't show up on this day or that, but you have to find some sort of peace with it. You will never have everyone like you... look at Jesus, he was the PERFECT example of love and compassion, and he made the worst kind of enemies! You just need to focus on doing what is right for your children and husband.
There are my more-than-two cents. You may wish to talk to a priest or find a spiritual advisor to work all of this out with!
You guys! Thank you so much for sharing and for offering such wise and prayerful answers. It is so affirming to hear all of your faithful, grounded stories/suggestions. They are all truly fortifying. Thanks again and please keep them coming in the future! :)
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