It's not an enjoyable place to visit. The rides stink.
And I can't help that I have this feeling like somebody's forcing us to stand in line for another go-around.
The reason is because five years ago, when I was pregnant with Little Wideawake and still living away from family, my (maternal) grandmother was diagnosed with Multiple Myeloma.
Really, she's been living with it for an exceptionally long time, as far as Multiple Myeloma goes. But, during this time, much like my mother, there have been ups and downs and different cycles of treatment/chemo drugs.
Recently her jaw unexpectedly broke. After a biopsy it was determined that her jaw bone was, in fact, infected with the growth, so a new round of radiation has begun.
I'm just scared that once it's over they'll say that they've run out of drugs and then it'll be another person in my life to watch go down that long, terrible, slippery slide of gradual deterioration.
I'll admit that I probably wouldn't be quite as uptight and nervous about her situation if she and I weren't as close as what we are. In fact, it's because of the relationship that we share that I've been saying for 20 years that the day she/my grandparents die is going to be a very very bad day for me.
I know I just need to loosen up and let go and let God and try trusting Him a little more, but I know it's going to happen at some point that she'll pass away and I'm just being honest about how I feel about that. I'm also terrified of reliving what we went through with my mom with my gramma. I really don't know if I could handle that and I really don't know if my grampa could either.
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One day at a time, Sweet Jesus, that's all I'm asking of you. Just give me the strength to do every day what I have to do. Yesterday's gone, Sweet Jesus, and tomorrow may never be mine. Lord, help me today, show me the way, one day at a time.
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It's so hard to trust that the strength for something unimaginable will be there when you need it, but you have to do just that: trust. It *will* be hard. But trust that you'll get through the unfairness, the missing, the anger. Plus, you have extra prayers any time you want them. All you have to do is blog :)
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