This past weekend we took the opportunity of an out-of-town friend's baby's Baptism to spend the weekend away from home, travelling and visiting friends. This is something that my husband and I used to enjoy doing quite frequently before having our children.
But now, even having only two children to pack for, accommodate, etc, it is something that we only rarely do because it is so much of a bigger deal to accomplish. So, naturally, thoughts and conversation ensued on the drive home between my husband and me; we had both been reflecting on this phenomenon of family life.
Oh, what do you think about it? How do you handle/deal with it?
It's not sooo much the fact, for us, that it is more troublesome to travel and get out with the children, it's more the feeling of being inhibited and restricted in our ability to enjoy independence and freedom and autonomy as a couple.
I know, I'm laughing at myself now, did we really expect life to remain as it was as newlyweds once our blessed, growing family got underway?
But I am (full disclosure!) going to admit that that is probably the most frequent thought I have about the fact that we'll soon be parents to three children. That we'll be even that more strapped down and for that many more years after the first two are getting to the older, easier-to-go-and-do stage. Isn't that terrible!!!? I have been seriously struggling with this idea/fact that more children=more confinement and trying to reconcile it with our commitment to being open to life and being glad to welcome any and all children God gifts us with. It makes me feel sooo guilty all the time.
In fact, we've, as a couple, always hoped for 'at least three' children and then liked the idea of seeing where we wound up -- 4, 5, 6, ... But now I'm finding myself feeling doubtful if I'm cut out for that personalitywise, and, from our conversation this weekend, I'm sensing that my husband is too.
Is this something that everyone struggles with? Or is is something that is just naturally more difficult for some parents than it is for others based on their personality? Is this just one more way that my children are giving me an opportunity to die to myself, offer it up, and grow in holiness? If it is, this is a t-o-u-g-h one for me.
Ah, you said die to self. This is my biggest hurdle, my day-to-day struggle as a mother. Do you stay at home with your boys?
ReplyDeleteThe good news is that as the children get older, traveling gets easier but no less complicated. In the fall, we left the toddler with my husband's parents and went to Great Wolf Lodge with the older 3 children. It was our first (mini) vacation. What a great time!
Our experience is like this: we welcomed our first child eleven months after we were married. Before we were married, we were poor college students. We did not have the opportunity to travel together and so I guess I'm not missing what we never had. Does that make sense?
On the other hand, there are days when I would give anything to be able to take off and go to Colorado. Now the kids are in school daily, so if that was an option before, it's definitely not an option now, at least not until summer (and definitely not until we get a new mini-van!). For now, I remind myself that I'm so grateful for what I have and am content in our home. I try not to think about what I might be missing but it's still a struggle!
How many kids should we have? My friend Annie put it best. "One at a time." God calls us to be generous with life but to be responsible. Each couple's capacity is different! Some couples may be called to have 12, some are called to have 4, and some aren't able to have any children.
When my third was born, I swore I was not cut out for this and hoped that there would be a large space before the next baby was born. When #4 was born in all of his colicky glory, he cried for a year and I cried for a year and said that there was no way I could take care of another child after this...thought I could barely keep up with what I had already!
Then he started walking and talking and now five doesn't seem like such a big leap.
I feel that if we are using NFP (we are and always have) then we are open to God's hand in our marriage. Right now I am going back and forth about whether to welcome another child and I'm open to it but I think it would be prudent to wait a little longer, as I have to have a cesarean to deliver my babies and the recovery is time consuming and exhausting. We have four and I know that I would like to have another if God wishes it (hope he does!).
I hope I'm answering your questions, albeit in a long, drawn out way.
What I'm trying to say is that it DOES get easier and the loss of freedom is easier to accept over time. It doesn't weigh on me as much now as it did four years ago, two years ago, or even yesterday. Every day it gets easier.
Hope that helps! Sorry to be so long!
Oh Aubrey, reading your post was like a soothing balm. :) Just hearing that you'd had some of the same feelings and doubts about more children and the fact that it's something that you've been able to come through is very comforting and reassuring. And Annie's quote is so wise and perfect!
ReplyDeleteYes, I do stay at home with them full time. The only exception is Monday evenings after their father comes home, I go in to the clinic to work for a couple of hours (Creighton Model FertilityCare Practitioner). It is NON-stop, isn't it?
Thank you so much for your invaluable thoughts!
Diane,
ReplyDeleteWe all confront our selfishness when we become parents. The baby years are hard because you ARE "strapped down" in a way. It wasn't that long ago that mine were all very small. I had 4 children in 6 years and my oldest is just now going on 10 and my youngest is 4. But it's amazing what a few years will do for your perspective. It is VERY hard when you have to do everything for them - changing diapers, strapping them into their carseats, feeding them, packing everything but the kitchen sink for a getaway, etc. It doesn't seem like it now, but it passes very quickly.
Just recently we went to my parents' house in Upper Michigan (an 8 hour drive that we do once every few months!) and it dawned on me that I didn't have to change any diapers on the way!!! All my kids used the bathroom at designated stops - yahoo!
It does get easier as your children get older. And you will once again have more freedom to get away with your husband. Even now, you can still plan "suprise getaways" for you and your husband - at home! After the kids are in bed, light some candles and pour the wine.
In the meantime, you are doing the right thing - being honest about your feelings and seeking input. I think some people struggle with it more than others, but we all have struggles - if it's not this one, it's another.
You can be honest with the Lord, too. Lay your burdens before Him and pray and ask Him for His heart toward your vocation.
You're doing a great job!
Wow, I can't stop commenting today...sorry to take up so much of your time, hope you don't mind?!
ReplyDeleteI feel this way so often. And I think I'd be better off if I wasn't quite so structered and set in our routines. I love our routine. Nap times, meal times, play times, healthy activities, these all have their place in our day. But being so tied into them makes me worry about how I'll ever get to have some iota of freedom again. I know childhood doesn't last forever, and they'll grow up and be moving away from me sooner than I'm ready for them to, but that doesn't help in the meantime, does it?
I, too, think about the fact that just when the older kids are becoming more independent and grown up, we'll be tied down again with another infant. A blessed, beautiful, perfect child, to be sure, but a restraint on our blossoming freedom as a family. For instance, I'd like to be able to take trips to the lake or on a vacation somewhere out of state, but I get all uptight about bringing a helpless baby to a foreign place. I worry about taking them away from our routine and that they will be miserable with exhaustion from not sleeping in their own beds.
This is sounding more and more neurotic the further I type, but just know that I feel your pain. Or, I feel your wondering anxiety. Pain sounds wrong.