Here's Where I Am

Floundering. Somewhere in the middle, in between. Neither here nor there. To a normally decisive person it's really irritating.

And rather than being able to pinpoint one specific source and being able to correct it, there are several contributing factors.

The grand holiday hubbub for one. I never really used to understand what people were talking about when they would complain about how stressful the holiday season is, etc. etc., but now I've begun to experience it. It wouldn't be so bad, I believe, if 1-everybody would stop asking me if I'm "Ready For Christmas" and 2-if I wasn't a mother responsible to make everything "Ready For Christmas." I just perceive SO MUCH expectation (not from the children, but from other ADULTS!) and I really can't stand it. A.)I don't like shopping that much and never have. B.)I've always shopped in the week and days before Christmas and preferred it that way. C.)It bothers me SO MUCH that SHOPPING and GIFT giving/receiving/buying/blah!/blah!/blah! is what is emphasised in preparation for Christmas. I feel like Charlie Brown. (And Scrooge.) REALLY! Has everyone forgotten about Advent? Has everyone abandoned completely preparing ourSELVES and our HEARTS for Christ(mas)? Doesn't anybody else know that Christmas is not about heaping toys and objects and unnecessary possessions on children (and others) until they're completely buried and can't even think straight anymore (Jesus' birth, simplicity, less-is-more, non-consumerism...)? Wow!, I'm so frustrated. I think at least partly part of my problem here is that I'm so busy fretting about and shielding my children from the onslaught of gifts given to them from our extended family that I can't even enjoy thinking about giving them a few simple things myself. Sad. And frustrating. Our local Cathedral is offering Reconciliation all day today, though, and I am just looking so forward to it. I'm just really needing the refreshment and renewal right now. (Can you tell?)

Oh, and in the middle of all of that we needed to make room for our Honeybun's fourth birthday on the fifteenth and our nephew's birthday on the twentieth. Two parties in one weekend, the fourth week of Advent!

It's also been just plain difficult for me to live happily within myself for the last couple of months simply because of the continuous pain and emptiness I live with because of Mom being gone. It just hurts all of the time and it feels like half of me is missing inside. I was bawling at Mamma Mia over the weekend, for crying out loud. It's four years this year as of 11.23 and it's just not any easier or any better. Mid-November every year I just want to leap to January for the sake of skipping it and being enticed by the idea of a fresh start. It never makes any difference, though.

And, on another wonderful note, my maternal grandmother (the person who is as much to me as my mother was) is now receiving hospice care in her home as her oncologist has said that the time has come for just making her as comfortable as possible since the treatments for her cancer have stopped being effective. I'm just doing the best I can to be accepting and spend as much time as I can with her and prepare myself for her passing, but that's just really not possible. And to frustrate the issue I spent the past week trying to get my children over a bug so we could visit again and now today the oldest presented himself with a dandy cold. It's been at least two weeks since I've been to see her and it's been eating at me.

And lastly (I think) I've put some stuff on the back burner of my mind to let it simmer there until inspiration strikes or until the pieces fall into place or until something happens and I know how to proceed, but it hasn't yet and I'm growing weary of the indecision/thinking-about-it phase. So I wrote awhile ago about having trouble with the balance part of being a mother and one of my lovely commenters was kind enough to make a couple of suggestions that she thought might be of use to me: A Mother's Rule of Life and Flylady.com. I was eager to have any leads that might give me some answers so I checked in to both of them right away.

After reading the book (and taking a few pages of notes! It's very detailed and actually addresses the nitty-gritty, a very good thing! I would really recommend it.) and thinking/praying about it for a little while I realized that I'd already been following somewhat of a routine with our days, but that some things needed to be added in and others needed some tweaking. Once those things were implemented it made a definite, positive difference and I'm very happy for it.

So what's interesting is that the book addresses the vocation side of things and Flylady addresses the cleaning-your-house side of things. And it's funny, but while going through these things simultaneously over the course of a couple of weeks, I discovered that there was quite a bit of overlapping advice. The biggest one: assemble a binder and use it as your guide and resource and help. (The more you can write down/routinize, the less you'll have to keep in your head where it can continuously pester you.) Why I never thought of this myself, as what Flylady calls a BO (born organized), I do not know; especially since I'm forever making lists and reminders and keeping them in various books!

Anyway, my overall issue that I'm still pondering is combining the two and incorporating elements of Flylady's housekeeping routine into the Rule. I know I probably shouldn't spend so much time thinking about it and I should just DO it, but that's my downfall. A severe tendency to overthink things. Anyway, I feel like I'm getting close and that once 12.26 comes and goes I might be able to be a little more productive in the sorting-things-out/getting-things-done department. That's my plan, anyway.

And as far as Flylady goes, I think there's a lot of good information and motivation for people to take advantage of as well as several different helpful strategies to employ to get started and meet your goals, but I just wish it was a little bit more comprehensive/streamlined/organized/user-friendly. I feel like it takes a lot of looking around and digging into things to get a handle on the overall system/strategy and even after poking around there for a few weeks, I think I get it, but I still wonder if I'm missing something because I've never found a straightforward overview/outlined explanation. But keep in mind this is coming from an overthinking Born Organized! My only other comment is that it seems like much of the system is meant to meet the needs of people who have big issues with clutter, saving/collecting piles of stuff, and/or heaps and mounds of disorganized items/things that need to be thrown away. And while that isn't where I struggle, I still found it useful in the *cleaning* department. (On that note, I highly recommend The Naturally Clean Home, a recommendation from Food Renegade. Our library had a copy. I think I've said that before.)

Well, I wish you all the best of the rest of this Advent season and plenty of peace, serenity, and merriment in the upcoming Christmas season!