Honesty Is The Best Policy

There have been some highlights, yes, and some good and positive times, too. But the sum total of my mood and outlook and affect these past months and days has been depression. Heavy, lethargic, uninterested depression. It makes mothering three energetic little boys really challenging. Yeah, and being 32 weeks pregnant (in 90-some degree weather) doesn't really do much for the energy, sunshine, and smiles department either.

So I'm quite aware of all of this, painfully, in fact. Which makes it even worse because then I feel guilty for being the biggest drag and the worst mother ever on top of feeling like that in the first place.

Rotten.

But, I've decided that it could be constructive to explore my grief here. I've done it before, so I guess there's no reason to stop now. (Other than it's a terrible topic that probably nobody would choose to or enjoy reading about...)

I've been wondering some things about grief lately. Does it ever go away? Do people who experience great loss carry the emptiness and pain with them until they themselves die? Is it possible for people who feel such pain to recover the ability to feel like their old, carefree, whole selves again?

Are these experiences of grief tools God uses: To get people to fill the void with Him? To long to leave this insufferable earth and live in peace and completeness in Heaven with Him (and the lost loved ones)? As a cross for us to carry and a means for us to participate in suffering? As an opportunity through all these things to grow in holiness? I suspect the answer to all of the above in this group is yes, but at this point, I'm not so sure how I feel about being happy for this "opportunity." Honestly, I feel pretty crappy about having this particular opportunity for suffering and growth in holiness. Right now I'm ornery about it.