But In The Mean Time

In the mean time, though, this is where God has me. He has his reasons and I just have to live with it. (Probably because I have a lot more suffering to do before I could even come close to be fit to meet Him.)

Anyway, I know that the Lord isn't oblivious to or uncaring about how we feel or losses that we suffer. And although I do know that, yes, this is life, there are things that cause us pain and that we have to endure/suffer/learn to live with/offer up/etc., and I think it's okay (if not necessary) to acknowledge them in order to learn how to cope, to find a way to carry on, and to possibly find a little healing.

First, I'll tell you why this grief business has become such a big deal for me. Mainly because I've lost my two pillars. The two people who raised me. The two people who you have in your life that love you unconditionally, who you know will be there to support you, who want to listen to you and hear the things you have to say. The two people who know you the best and understand you not only because they've known you your whole life, but also because they are the reason you are the way you are. These are the people that you love and trust and look up to and know that you can depend on for absolutely anything.

My Mom and my Gramma.

That might seem like a weird combination, but my parents got divorced when I was somewhere between two and four years old and my brother was just a baby. After that, as a single mother, my mom relied heavily on her parents. Hence, the close relationship to my grandparents. My gramma quickly became, next to my mom, the person I was closest to. We had such a special relationship; I depended on her for a lot, even after my mom got remarried (often, especially then) and well into my own adulthood and motherhood. She was my role model. And, I see now, my mom's right-hand man in raising my siblings and me.

Some mothers and daughters don't seem to have very good or close relationships, but for my mother and me that was not the case. I was the oldest child, the only girl (until my half-sister was born twelve years later), and my mom's helper. From a young age, for better or for worse, I was often my mother's confidante. She always said I "had to grow up fast." No wonder, right? I'm not upset about any of that, it just illustrates the history and the nature of our relationship. Close.

So those were my two people and now I don't have either of them any more. I lost my mother to breast cancer two weeks before my second son was born (4 1/2 years ago). She was 48. I lost my gramma to multiple myeloma less than five years later. She was 81 and I was 28 weeks pregnant.

Losing one of your pillars is bad, but when they are both gone the emptiness that you feel in the core of your being is terrifically difficult to withstand. (It's also aggrivated by the feeling that as a young mother of a growing family I could really benefit from them telling me what to do!)

So that is why I'm feeling that these losses are personally significant and why I feel like I'm being forced to turn so much of my attention to learning how to deal with grief (and how this relates to my faith life and my relationship with God).