Uninspired, and, I Waver

This is the astoundingly uninspired view from our picture window today (and yesterday and the day before yesterday). Ugh.

This is also a view of the outside, but I may as well call it a view of my inside for how accurately it reflects my inner disposition and attitude. It's totally complete with the rain obscuring the view and even the Christmas tree is tipped over.

Yep, that's how I've been feeling lately.

The dreary, not sunny weather and staying nonstop indoors has definitely been responsible for a good portion of my crummy attitude. But it's not the only reason I've been down.

It seems like I vary or go through phases of different degrees of mastery or tolerance or capability (or something) for my vocation (the SAHM part, specifically). Sometimes it seems effortless and ideal and wonderful and like everything I'm supposed to be doing with my life and then other times, like now, it feels very difficult. It gets to feeling like something I struggle with, something I have to try really hard to be good at, put my effort in to. When it's like this I have to try really hard to resist feeling like my life is all drudgery.

Ugh. It's not a good place. I don't like getting here. But since I've been sitting here for awhile, I've been taking a good look around. I've been trying to analyze why I'm here, how I got here, why I get like this. It's not easy. I'm still not sure I have it one hundred percent figured out. But I think I'm starting to see that it's made up of a bunch of different things. The weather being one, my dissatisfaction with my post-baby body (and lack of initiative or ambition to do anything about it) being another. But I really think that a major part of it is my personality. I've always been aware of my extroverted, social tendencies. Having opportunities to interact with others, friends, makes me happy and feel good, feel like myself. But my chosen state in life does not lend itself to that at all. So I wind up feeling lonely and worn out and down in the dumps.

This, I realize, isn't the first time I've written about the challenges I have in this stage in my life meeting my extroverted needs. It really makes me wish that our culture was drastically different than what it is now. Literally, I've wished that we had a tribal community like in The Red Tent where you lived and worked with people all day long. Everybody was a SAHM, but they all did it together. And the cooking, cleaning, washing, knitting, everything, they did it together. I'd thrive on that. No matter what the weather.

Even though this is what my head has been like, I had a bright spot this evening while making supper. This is it:

I love this picture, but I'm so bummed about my shadow on his face. Oh well. I'm keeping it because I still love it regardless, and as far as photography goes, I'm still learning.